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Category: Fanfiction
Fandom(s): Hetalia
Summary: It's the 1830s. America and England have a lot of not nice things to say to each other. Historical nonsense.




Dear Pompous Ass,

I hate you.

No love,
America



Dear Moronic Idiot,

It's arse. And is that the best you can do, you bloody uncouth fool?

I hate you as well,
England



Why are you so mean? Is it because of that stick up your ass?

Not as much as I hate you,
America



I find your existence to be offensive. That would be why.

Don't even start that,
England



Two can play that game, you conceited prick.

I'll start whatever I want,
America



But a boorish, tobacco-spitting nation such as you can't play it well. Especially when you use my insults.

You've always been that way,
England



You want to bet on that? Who won that Revolution, again?

You were never able to handle it,
America



I'll concede to that. Perhaps you can play a little, you slavery-supporting bastard.

Why would I ever want to?
England



That's a low blow, you dirty cheat. I do not support it!

Because I'm awesome,
America



What happened to playing the game? It seems that you can't handle it.

I find that hard to believe,
England



Go drown in the Atlantic.

You're just jealous,
America



Go trip under a wagon. Isn't that what your people live in?

As if,
England



At least my people don't interbreed.

You're in denial,
America



I'm not even going to dignify that with a proper response.

Keep telling yourself that,
England



That's because you can't think of one. But then again, you've always been unimaginative.

You're still in denial,
America

P.S. Dickens isn't that great.



Take that back! The mindless drivel you call your literature can't even compare!

For God's sake, don't repeat yourself,
England



Defensive, aren't we?

The truth can bear repeating,
America



This conversation is over.

Please stop talking to me,
England



Fine! Mighty defensive, I see. Whatever you say. I'm done here.

I still hate you,
America



Fine!

The feeling is mutual,
England



Whatever!

Even less love than before,
America
    I'm sure Google doesn't know what to make of my searches right now.

    THIS IS TOTALLY WHAT ANGLO-AMERICAN RELATIONS WERE LIKE IN THE 1830s.
    Not really.

    :bulletblue: In the 1830s and early 1840s, anti-British sentiment was strong in America, residual from the two Anglo-American wars, and the Jacksonian Democrats who held power at the time were not so inclined to be pro-British as the now-extinct Federalists were. The British, for their part, looked down their noses at these Americans, and a figurative "third war" occurred entirely through words. British travel literature and magazines were scathing in their descriptions of America, and American journals responded in kind. Incidentally, Charles Dickens was among these British writers. Also, I'm pretty sure there was some interbreeding going on in some southern American families, just sayin'.

    So, basically… they were flaming each other back and forth. How very mature of them.
    It was like the Internet before the Internet existed.

    :bulletblue: I. love. my. history book.
    It made this amusing, and I've had a headache since yesterday, so I wrote this mostly to vent. I have neither the time nor energy to imitate however they wrote back then, so I didn't. And this isn't supposed to make any sense. It’s mostly for the unfunny lulz.

    :bulletblue: And finally, headcanon: Alfred was an abolitionist. Arthur is indeed very defensive of his literature.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconufd:
ufd Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014
Lol it's no wonder the UsUk fanbase is so popular. America and England fought so much to the point where everyone's like "OMG JUST FUCK ALREADY!!" jk

Joke aside, I like this. I like the big hatred that went on between America and England during this time before their Special Relationship came about.
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
The insults that went on between American and English authors were truly hilarious; it's one of those things that's really funny about history, so I imagine America and England themselves would have been equally petty. xD Thank you!
Reply
:iconufd:
ufd Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014
Lol np
Reply
:iconheroicplights:
HeroicPlights Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so perfect.
Hetalia is about personified nations--why don't more people use such a concept to it's full potential, like you've done here?! This little fic is in the true Hetalia spirit =D It's history, but given to us in a way we wouldn't really expect xD Yet, all the same, it somehow gets its point across--it's about a historical relationship between to nations. It's funny because its the truth!

And I'd agree that Arthur is completely defensive of his literature. It's so easy to imagine England being extremely passionate about everything his dear authors wrote xD
(I also think Alfred was an abolitionist. If he wasn't, I don't think the Union would've won the Civil War...but that's just random headcanon on my part, I guess xD).
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you~!
One of my favorite things about Hetalia is how ridiculous you can make history while still staying true to history, in a sense. xD Satire is lovely. <3

Oh, England is huge book!nerd, in my head. xD
(And exactly. Also, I see Alfred has being the kind of person who just hates to see anyone put down, and I can imagine him being particularly riled by the injustice of it.)
Reply
:iconwinchesterkitty:
WinchesterKitty Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2012
Pfft! We were learning about all this in history last semester and I was kind of thimking the same thing. My teacher goes into all the cool little details of insulting letters and cadid insidents and being a Hetalia fan I was thinking of England and America doing the whole " I know you are but what am I?" crap. And in my totaly demented mind the next natural step would be for Arthur to force feed Alfred one of his scones.... possibly hospitalizing him. :} I love history class. and all of the stupid Hetalia ideas that accompany it.
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Pfft, I know what you mean. xD History class is hilarious sometimes. xD
Reply
:iconwinchesterkitty:
WinchesterKitty Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2012
Once you get past memorizing the dates it's what makes my elective-less existance enjoyable. >^<
Reply
:iconrocky41-7:
Rocky41-7 Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
lol Go America!
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:iconmickeyxd:
MickeyXD Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
OH GOD MY STOMACHE! CAN'T BREATHE~!!!
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
/cpr and stuff
BREATHE! LIVE!
Reply
:iconmickeyxd:
MickeyXD Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
lol XD This was hilarious! I CLAP MY HANDS TO YOU!
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:bow: Thank you. :D
Reply
:iconmickeyxd:
MickeyXD Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You are mighty welcome! AHAHAHAHAHA yeah...
I just read it to my friend who hates Hetalia and she loved it!
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Really? I'm flattered. :blush:
Reply
:iconamairin:
AmaiRin Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011
Read this on fanfiction and I thought it was hilarious there XD I shall now favourite it here haha
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, thank you. :D
Reply
:iconamazon211:
amazon211 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011
I guess the situation between England and America had not cooled over yet.
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Not until roughly WWI, no. xD
Reply
:iconamizze:
Amizze Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011
Hilarious. :XD: You portrayed the dynamics between these two very well.
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :D
Reply
:icongoldenfern:
Goldenfern Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
omfgggg! xDDD
you win for this so much, i hope you know that. c:
we just finished this time period in u.s. history too... i think that made this only about 8752948572 times greater. x33
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Getting to the end of this period ourselves. Civil War time, yay. But reading the description of this war of words in my book made me laugh, and I just had to do something with it. xD
Reply
:icontigerfire2468:
tigerfire2468 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Epic win XD
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :D
Reply
:iconmuragaragah:
Muragaragah Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, this was so full of win. I was crying with laughter by the time I finished it. :+fav:

:lol:
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Aha, thank you~ :D
Reply
:iconfaithdivine:
FaithDivine Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Professional General Artist
My friend says a "drunk Ivan" could be hilarious too~
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hilarious. Or very scary.
Or both.
:iconwigglewigglewoohplz:
Reply
:iconfaithdivine:
FaithDivine Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Professional General Artist
both probably. dude, you're siggy made my day.
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Aha, glad it did. xD
Reply
:iconfaithdivine:
FaithDivine Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Professional General Artist
Okay. I read it. That was freakin. Hilarious.
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, thank you~ ^-^
Reply
:iconfaithdivine:
FaithDivine Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Professional General Artist
np~
Reply
:iconfaithdivine:
FaithDivine Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Professional General Artist
my link won't let me read this....
Reply
:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2011  Student Writer
"It was like the Internet before the Internet existed." Do tell! And think about it, it has to travel all the way across the ocean on a SHIP so they can hurl insults back and forth. Very mature. :D

Love it! Hilarious!
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I can imagine they'd sit there waiting for a reply and steaming about it the whole time. xD

And thank you! ^-^
Reply
:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2011  Student Writer
I know right? :D

You know what, I was just reading this in my history book today...I have a strong feeling we have the same history textbook.
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Is it The American Pageant?
Reply
:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Student Writer
Oh my gosh it is...Does that mean you're actually the same age as me? But your writing sounds so much more mature...^^;

The American Pageant is pretty cool, but kind of biased, according to a friend. She recommended reading "Lies My Teacher Told Me" in the summer for counter-brainwashing. But for now, it's great fun learning history! We have a Facebook group for our history class and people constantly post up weird lines they find in the textbook...:D
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Aha, I'm flattered. I'm just a sixteen-year-old. xD

I think all history books are going to be biased in some way or another. I can never tell with this one. So. much. flowery. wording. It's like English class! But that sounds like a fabulous book, I'll have to get it when I'm done with this class.
Reply
:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2011  Student Writer
Haha, same here...Gah, now I'm jealous of your writing skills! Haha, I guess I just got to practice more!

I know right? And it sure doesn't hold back on the puns or metaphors...(like the marriage of Texas and America part...I feel like writing a fanfic on that, now :D). And yep, it's a great book! You get to see all of your previous knowledge destroyed, which is always fun...;)
Reply
:iconsofiz-jackson:
Sofiz-Jackson Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
AMERICA MARRIED HIS GLASSES. *giggle*
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I've been doing this for years now, I've only started to be marginally good in the last few years. ^-^

That whole chapter made me want to write fanfic. xD
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconpuppyloverpearl:
puppyloverpearl Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2011  Student General Artist
This is honestly one of the funniest things I've ever read on DA

I'm not sure who to route for~ (Probably Alfie though~)
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:bow: Thank you~ ^-^

I'm patriotic and all, so I'm rooting for him. xD
Reply
:iconpuppyloverpearl:
puppyloverpearl Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2011  Student General Artist
:iconhetaliaamericaplz:
Reply
:iconrexrias:
rexrias Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, best comebacks ever!!!!
Reply
:iconpwnedbypineapple:
PwnedByPineapple Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:D
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Submitted on
November 15, 2011
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